Why You Can’t ‘Just Calm Down’: Understanding Anxiety on a Brain + Body Level
Ever been told to relax—but felt your body on full alert anyway?
If you’ve lived with anxiety, you know that hearing someone say "just calm down" can feel anything but calming. Your heart races, your thoughts spiral, and your body tenses up like it’s preparing for impact. Even when you want to relax, it can feel physically impossible. That’s because anxiety isn’t just in your head—it lives in your body and your nervous system. And until we understand what’s really happening beneath the surface, it can feel like a constant uphill battle.
Let’s explore what anxiety looks like from the inside out—and why willpower alone isn’t the answer.
The Brain’s Alarm System: Why Anxiety Feels Like an Emergency
Anxiety is your brain’s way of protecting you from perceived threats. At the core of this system is the amygdala—a small, almond-shaped structure that acts like your brain’s smoke detector. It constantly scans your environment for danger. When it senses a threat (even if it’s not truly dangerous), it sounds the alarm.
That alarm triggers your body’s fight, flight, or freeze response. Your heart pounds to pump more blood to your muscles. Your breath quickens to take in more oxygen. Your digestion slows, your pupils dilate, your body floods with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline.
This response is great if you’re escaping a bear. But if you’re just trying to speak in a meeting, answer a text, or fall asleep at night? It can feel like your body is betraying you.
The tricky part? Once the amygdala takes over, it overrides the more rational part of your brain (the prefrontal cortex) that handles logic and decision-making. That’s why trying to "think your way out of it" or telling yourself to relax often doesn’t work. The survival system is louder and faster.
Why Willpower Isn’t Enough
Anxiety isn't a character flaw, a lack of effort, or something you can fix by being "stronger."
Imagine trying to slam on the brakes of a car while your foot is still pressing the gas.
That's what it’s like when you try to calm down without addressing what your nervous system is doing. Willpower can be a helpful tool, but it’s not designed to override deeply ingrained survival instincts.
This is especially true if your anxiety comes from past experiences where your nervous system learned that certain situations, emotions, or sensations aren't safe. Over time, your brain wires itself to stay on high alert, even when you're no longer in danger.
Getting to the Root: What Your Anxiety Might Be Trying to Tell You
Anxiety often has a root. Sometimes it’s a past trauma. Sometimes it’s unprocessed grief, perfectionism, chronic stress, or the pressure to mask who you really are in order to stay safe or accepted. For LGBTQ+ individuals, that can include the impact of microaggressions, identity-based rejection, or living in a world that doesn’t always feel welcoming.
Your symptoms aren’t random—they’re messages from your body saying, "Something needs attention." When we start to listen with curiosity instead of judgment, we can begin to shift the cycle.
Body-Based Tools to Calm an Anxious Nervous System
While you can’t just will yourself to relax, you can learn how to help your body feel safer. Here are a few techniques to try:
1. Grounding through the senses: Focus on what you can see, hear, touch, taste, and smell. Try the 5-4-3-2-1 technique: name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste. This pulls you into the present moment and out of anxious spiraling.
2. Bilateral stimulation: Gently tap your knees or alternate tapping your feet while breathing slowly. This mimics what happens during EMDR therapy and can help calm the brain's alarm system.
3. Butterfly hug: Cross your arms over your chest and tap alternately on each shoulder while taking deep breaths. This simple tool can calm your nervous system and provide a sense of containment.
4. Breath with a longer exhale: Try breathing in for 4 counts and exhaling for 6. Longer exhales activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps your body feel safer and more at ease.
5. Gentle movement: Stretching, walking, or even shaking out your limbs can help discharge built-up anxiety energy. Anxiety often builds up when we feel frozen or stuck.
These may seem simple, but repeated consistently, they help retrain your nervous system to recognize safety again.
Why Working with a Therapist Can Help
Sometimes, trying to manage anxiety on your own can feel like trying to untangle a knot that only gets tighter the more you pull. Working with a therapist who specializes in anxiety can offer you a new way through.
A therapist can help you identify the roots of your anxiety, understand your triggers, and guide you in using both cognitive and body-based strategies to regulate your nervous system. Rather than just talking about your anxiety, you get the chance to experience new ways of feeling safe in your body.
At Vivid Mental Health Counseling, we approach therapy with warmth, inclusivity, and deep respect for your lived experience. We understand that anxiety is often tied to systems of oppression, past trauma, or identity-based stress, and we hold space for all of it.
Body-Based Therapies for Anxiety Relief
Two approaches that many of our clients find especially helpful are EMDR and ART. While both are body-based therapies that involve the brain's natural capacity to heal, they offer different methods and benefits.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): EMDR is a structured, research-backed approach that helps the brain reprocess distressing memories and experiences that may be stuck in the nervous system. During EMDR sessions, your therapist guides you through bilateral stimulation (like eye movements or tapping) while you briefly focus on a memory or sensation. This helps the brain "unstick" the trauma, so the emotional charge lessens over time.
EMDR is especially effective for anxiety linked to past events, chronic triggers, or identity-based trauma. It allows you to work through those layers without needing to talk about every detail out loud, which can be a relief if you’ve experienced overwhelm in other therapies.
Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART): ART is a newer, fast-acting therapy that also uses eye movements, but with a focus on replacing distressing images with more positive ones. ART often brings relief in just 1–3 sessions, making it a powerful choice for those who feel stuck or are seeking quick relief.
Unlike EMDR, which can go deeper over time, ART is more directive and uses visualization techniques to help the brain rewrite how it stores upsetting images or sensations. It can be especially helpful if your anxiety is driven by intrusive thoughts, specific memories, or recurring emotional loops.
Both therapies work with your brain and body—not against them. They help shift anxiety at its source by calming the nervous system and reprocessing stuck material.
Many people find that a combination of cognitive approaches (such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Mindfulness-Based Therapy) and brain-body therapies offers the most holistic support—addressing both the mental and physiological roots of anxiety for deeper, more sustainable relief.
Read more about therapy for anxiety here!
Takeaways
Anxiety can be isolating. It can make you question yourself, feel like you’re "too sensitive," or wonder if you'll ever feel normal again. But here’s the truth: you're not broken. You're not overreacting. You can’t ‘just calm down.’ Your brain and body are doing their best to protect you with the tools they’ve learned so far.
You deserve tools that work for how you're wired. You deserve a therapist who sees the full picture of who you are and how anxiety lives in your system.
Looking for a therapist in New York who specializes in helping individuals find lasting relief from anxiety?
Take your first step towards experiencing more ease, clarity, and calm in your life.
(New York residents only)
About Our Practice
At Vivid Mental Health Counseling, Pamela and Courtney offer trauma-informed, LGBTQ+ affirming therapy for adults, couples, and families in New York. Specializing in EMDR, ART, and therapy intensives, they help clients uncover the roots of distress and move toward a more grounded, empowered life. Care is available both in-person in Orange County and online statewide.
